I don’t think that there is ever going to be a formula, or an easy way to figure out how to find peace with a break up. Each relationship is so unique, and a lot of people who deep down know the relationship is no longer moving forward, will do whatever they can to mend it, but not out of love, instead out of fear. The fear lies with being left alone and leaving everything that is so familiar.
Sadly, a few people close to me in the last few weeks have been having a rough time when it comes to understanding and navigating a breakup and they are beating themselves up so much about it. They all have a common thread, they’re terrified of the unknown and where that lost love is going to go, and be found again…without them. It’s always so much easier being on the outside of a situation and looking in while providing advice on how to cope with it. My journey so far has given me a few perspectives on breakups, and how I wish I dealt with them differently. I of course now know that those relationships were not meant to be, but what I wish I knew then was this; do what makes you happy, because although this may sound selfish, not doing what makes you happy will make you unhappy; that negativity and deep unhappiness will of course pass in to the relationships that you’re trying so desperately to save.
I’ve since learnt that there is always a lesson to be learned from each person we have come in and out of our lives, whether it be a romantic relationship, or a friendship. Not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever. But for every positive and negative element collected in our journey from these interactions, we grow as individuals and find out what we need to make our heart sing, what we’re okay to compromise on, and what we absolutely will not tolerate moving forward. For the most part though, it’s the self love and respect that we carry for ourself that will ultimately allow us to define who we are, what we stand for and who we are worthy of bringing into our lives to love deeply and unconditionally, and to have that returned in equal amounts. Here is my theory…
When you are with someone for a while, you find that you have absorbed their essence or their vibe. They are having an effect on your body chemistry. This happens gradually, often without either of you being aware. It’s as if you are both living together in a bubble. You can often see it in older couples who have been together for a long time. They share mannerisms and verbal expressions, even various physical attributes. It is likely that the changes we can see on the outside have also happened underneath. This is why when you spend a lot of time with someone, they become part of you more than you may be aware of. So when you separate or break-up, you miss them, at best or at worst you feel anxiety or depression.
What you’re experiencing is a withdrawal as your body craves the reaction that is generated by the other person’s presence. It’s another reason why getting over a break-up and having no contact with a former partner or best friend hurts like hell. Going cold turkey is the fastest remedy. The best thing you can do is accept the situation as soon as possible. Don’t unnecessarily prolong the closure process: it will only cause more pain and possibly permanent damage. And don’t waste time or hinder your progress. Recognise that this was most probably a karmic relationship that has run its course. Forgive and forge ahead. If you can understand what it was that led you into the relationship and what you learned from it, you’ll quickly gain a new perspective, not only of the other person but also (and more importantly) of yourself. And if there is a destiny that you are meant to share, in the future it will manifest, if and when the time is right.
The best advice I was ever given when going through a rough time, whether an argument or breakup, is to read. Immerse yourself into a story that captures you, and distracts you from the reality that is creating a cloud and heartbreak around you. You’ll find that by the time you finish the novel, you’re calmed and your perspective on your current moment will have altered. If reading just isn’t your thing, start incorporating a daily routine that is unique to you, and you alone; running, walking, a cup of herbal tea in your favourite chair listening to a meditation perhaps.
Above all else, remember what makes you happy. Sometimes it’s frightening as anything to have a blank slate in front of you, with no boundaries, no safety net and no one to guide you. But really, when you think about it with an open mind, and without fear, how exciting is that! You have the opportunity to create the reality you want to have for yourself, with the lessons learned through different relationships and interactions. The relationship with yourself is most important, so nail that and everything else will fall in to place. That I can promise.